Chapter One: Blank Mind
All this happened, more or less. The sharp, agonizing pain, anyway, was pretty much true.
It occurred in an instant. Tires suddenly screeched while a horn blared loudly, then came a severe crunch that deafened me. A sudden force hurled me forward, causing my body to slam against a hard wall. The last thing I heard was a muffled shout before I slipped into a black void, unconscious, for who knows how long...
I woke up; recalling nothing. Sprawled out on an icy cold, tough metallic flooring, my mind felt blank. Empty. Lost.
When my eyes eventually focused, my vision was filled with a blinding, radiant, blurry light. Struggling to move, I ached in several places all over my body. I gritted my teeth, enduring the sharp torment as best I could; my mind frantically swimming with too many thoughts. The most important being: what just happened to me?
I went to move, but felt my arms and legs were locked to restraints. Worried, my eyes glanced over. The restraints were the least of my problems, as cold footsteps approached from behind. Someone else was with me...
"Awake at last?"asked a sinister sounding man, who stepped into view, staring down with an emotionless glare. He wore a large military style uniform, blue in color, and held his hands tightly around a 9mm pistol.
I didn't respond. The man chuckled quickly, as if he just discovered something amusing.
"You weren't supposed to survive that crash. You're more durable Char than expected."
What does he mean by Char?
"Is this meant to be a joke," the man continued,"that our greatest threat laying in front of me is nothing more than a psychokinetic Charmander?"
Charmander? What, you mean like that orange lizard Pokemon? I don't follow...
"Never mind; it's not important. It would be best to terminate the weapon before it becomes unstoppable."
Wait, hold on a moment! What's this talk about a weapon!?
"Weapon!? I don't know what you mean!" I shouted out, truthfully.
"Nice try, but I don't believe you're that ignorant,"replied the man as he cocked back the pistol. "Better make this quick. One shot between those eyes should do the trick..."
This was sinking in very fast. I was about to be executed for something I was clueless about! It was time to act, somehow. The man laid the pistol against my forehead. Feeling the hard metal press against my skin sent chills down my spine. My fingers trembled, feeling an odd tinkling sensation. Growling softly, the next thing I saw was a blast of electricity that shot out of my body, which jumped into the man swiftly. All I could hear was a petrified scream as the room lit up in a bright blue rupture of energy. I watched the man drop the pistol to the floor before seeing him plummet onto the ground with a soft thud in front of me, lying still as several clangs were heard, my restraints unlocked.
"What did I just..."my mind spun out of control with confusion. I managed to sit up, looking at my hands. I noticed they were yellow in color and very small. In fact, my whole body felt tiny. I looked at myself, exhaling a few deep breaths. Regardless of the pain I was in, I couldn't just stay here.
Staggering onto the floor, my first thought was to examine the man. Recalling what I just did, I keeled down and placed a pair of fingers on the guy's neck, hoping for any sign of life. My heart sank. I didn't feel any pulse, nor see any breathing. Did I just kill someone? Oh god, I didn't mean to do that! Out of horror, I stepped back, ignoring everything else. I could get locked up for this, or worse!
I paced quickly out of the room, tears forming in my eyes as I walked. I didn't know what to think right now. I heard voices shouting towards me. Whatever was spoken, I don't know. What got my attention was gunfire, bullets flew past my head rapidly. I gasped, running down a hallway and into a nearby room for cover, my heart racing. Oh good, people seem to fire on sight when I'm spotted. I didn't get a moment to rest, as an alarm blared, followed by a voice over an intercom above me.
"Subject N-1139 has escaped out of his cell. He has already murdered sergeant Ginsburg. Lethal force is authorized to dispose of this serial killer."
So, I'm apparently labeled a subject with an odd codename and I'm a serial killer?!
"He went into the storeroom! After him!" cried a voice.
I hid behind some metal boxes, my breathing quickened out of panic. I leaned back, sitting on the floor, my vision still a tad blurry. It was hard to even stay awake, let alone move. I knew staying put was pointless, as it would only make it easier to be spotted. The crates wouldn't help me now, so I stared at the wall. What caught my attention was a pretty small ventilation shaft, so I crawled over to it. Guessing on how little time I had left, I struggled to open the vent by just pulling on caged panel. A rough metallic grinding sound told me I was on the right track, so I pulled harder. This was complete murder on my fingers, but I soon fell back when the panel broke loose.
"Now's my chance," I cried, crawling on all fours after throwing the vent panel aside.
Footsteps burst into the room as I climbed into the ventilation shaft. To say it felt unpleasant would be an understatement, but I quickly crawled forward, despite the cramped space. While I ignored the shouts being thrown at me, my body was feeling weaker by the second. I was really recklessly pushing myself to the limit.
I wanted to slow down once I was deep into the vent. It felt very musky and dry in here, and the smell was unbearable. I felt like I inhaled a large dust bunny. After some time, my crawling ceased because my body just gave up. Exhaustion just took its toll on me.
I felt so drained that I just laid forward, losing conscious right there, unaware that my torment was only beginning...
There are a few things, though, that could use some work before you jump too far into this rewrite (trust me, with as many revisions as I have done, I know). Labeling the POV here is probably not necessary. This is an introduction, and in a sense, I think the reader already sort of gets the point that they are being introduced to an unknown. Also, I would relegate the author's notes to the comments, personally... but that's more of a guideline/personal preference
The biggest issue here, by far, is that you have a LOT of past/present tense disagreements in the narration of the main character... If you're serious about this, those will need to be fixed, as they are pretty substantial in terms of grammar issues. Striving to be a perfectionist with the tools you create with is essential in creating your best work. I am willing to help you "iron-out" these relatively sparse grammar errors, if you are willing. Otherwise, so far most of the issues I generally see present in most peoples' work are absent--you are clearly ahead of the game.
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