Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

Chapter One: Blank Mind

All this happened, more or less. The sharp, agonizing pain, anyway, was pretty much true.

It occurred in an instant. Tires suddenly screeched while a horn blared loudly, then came a severe crunch that deafened me. A sudden force hurled me forward, causing my body to slam against a hard wall. The last thing I heard was a muffled shout before I slipped into a black void, unconscious, for who knows how long...

I woke up; recalling nothing. Sprawled out on an icy cold, tough metallic flooring, my mind felt blank. Empty. Lost.

When my eyes eventually focused, my vision was filled with a blinding, radiant, blurry light. Struggling to move, I ached in several places all over my body. I gritted my teeth, enduring the sharp torment as best I could; my mind frantically swimming with too many thoughts. The most important being: what just happened to me?

I went to move, but felt my arms and legs were locked to restraints. Worried, my eyes glanced over. The restraints were the least of my problems, as cold footsteps approached from behind. Someone else was with me...

"Awake at last?"asked a sinister sounding man, who stepped into view, staring down with an emotionless glare. He wore a large military style uniform, blue in color, and held his hands tightly around a 9mm pistol.

I didn't respond. The man chuckled quickly, as if he just discovered something amusing.

"You weren't supposed to survive that crash. You're more durable Char than expected."
What does he mean by Char?

"Is this meant to be a joke," the man continued,"that our greatest threat laying in front of me is nothing more than a psychokinetic Charmander?"

Charmander? What, you mean like that orange lizard Pokemon? I don't follow...

"Never mind; it's not important. It would be best to terminate the weapon before it becomes unstoppable."

Wait, hold on a moment! What's this talk about a weapon!?

"Weapon!? I don't know what you mean!" I shouted out, truthfully.

"Nice try, but I don't believe you're that ignorant,"replied the man as he cocked back the pistol. "Better make this quick. One shot between those eyes should do the trick..."

This was sinking in very fast. I was about to be executed for something I was clueless about! It was time to act, somehow. The man laid the pistol  against my forehead. Feeling the hard metal press against my skin sent chills down my spine. My fingers trembled, feeling an odd  tinkling sensation. Growling softly, the next thing I saw was a blast of electricity that shot out of my body, which jumped into the man swiftly. All I could hear was a petrified scream as the room lit up in a bright blue rupture of energy. I watched the man drop the pistol to the floor before seeing him plummet onto the ground with a soft thud in front of me, lying still as several clangs were heard, my restraints unlocked.

"What did I just..."my mind spun out of control with confusion. I managed to sit up, looking at my hands. I noticed they were yellow in color and very small. In fact, my whole body felt tiny. I looked at myself, exhaling a few deep breaths. Regardless of the pain I was in, I couldn't just stay here.

Staggering onto the floor, my first thought was to examine the man. Recalling what I just did, I keeled down and placed a pair of fingers on the guy's neck, hoping for any sign of life. My heart sank. I didn't feel any pulse, nor see any breathing. Did I just kill someone? Oh god, I didn't mean to do that! Out of horror, I stepped back, ignoring everything else. I could get locked up for this, or worse!

I paced quickly out of the room, tears forming in my eyes as I walked. I didn't know what to think right now. I heard voices shouting towards me. Whatever was spoken, I don't know. What got my attention was gunfire, bullets flew past my head rapidly. I gasped, running down a hallway and into a nearby room for cover, my heart racing. Oh good, people seem to fire on sight when I'm spotted. I didn't get a moment to rest, as an alarm blared, followed by a voice over an intercom above me.

"Subject N-1139 has escaped out of his cell. He has already murdered sergeant Ginsburg. Lethal force is authorized to dispose of this serial killer."

So, I'm apparently labeled a subject with an odd codename and I'm a serial killer?!

"He went into the storeroom! After him!" cried a voice.

I hid behind some metal boxes, my breathing quickened out of panic. I leaned back, sitting on the floor, my vision still a tad blurry. It was hard to even stay awake, let alone move. I knew staying put was pointless, as it would only make it easier to be spotted. The crates wouldn't help me now, so I stared at the wall. What caught my attention was a pretty small ventilation shaft, so I crawled over to it. Guessing on how little time I had left, I struggled to open the vent by just pulling on caged panel. A rough metallic grinding sound told me I was on the right track, so I pulled harder. This was complete murder on my fingers, but I soon fell back when the panel broke loose.

"Now's my chance," I cried, crawling on all fours after throwing the vent panel aside.

Footsteps burst into the room as I climbed into the ventilation shaft. To say it felt unpleasant would be an understatement, but I quickly crawled forward, despite the cramped space. While I ignored the shouts being thrown at me, my body was feeling weaker by the second. I was really recklessly pushing myself to the limit.

I wanted to slow down once I was deep into the vent. It felt very musky and dry in here, and the smell was unbearable. I felt like I inhaled a large dust bunny. After some time, my crawling ceased because my body just gave up. Exhaustion just took its toll on me.

I felt so drained that I just laid forward, losing conscious right there, unaware that my torment was only beginning...
Author's note: This is a planned remake of "Fatal Program: Zener". Certain events, plot details, characters, etc are going to be drastically different than what was written in the old version. This is written entirely in 1st person narration and will include some of the old cast from both Imperil and Zener. Details might be changed at a later date.

Note: Retconning the old note here to explain something else. This is considered to be "Loop 2" of the series, so everything that has happened and will happen can be labeled as canonically possible. That is all.

This fanfic is rated PG-14 for blood, violence, mild language, and dark humor/themes.

Without further delay, here's the prologue, which finally got done! Well, no, it's not really "complete", but it's something.

The good news being I finally got this out to everyone.

This fanfic, as mentioned, it aimed at a teen audience.


Here are my release notes that include this and C1

-background information on character-

The char's intelligence is questionable at best. His emotions drive most of his thinking, most of it due to stress. Stress is due to being hunted for something he doesn't remember and often suffering some sort of pain. Physical, emotional, and mental. He was designed to be pushed to the limit, as noted. During this stage he is both unaware of his destructive proses or even what he's supposed to be. He is not perfect, nor seeks to be. He'll be defeated long before he will succeed.

Memory loss: used as a plot device to “reset” the character. His background details him as a complete monster, as he was designed. His new personality goes against it (at first, until he accepts something critical).

To avoid Deus Ex Machina: This Char will never be able to suddenly overwhelm with a huge power boost or suddenly gain knowledge instantly. His injuries won't heal right away (nor does he gain access to fast healing, like from the old version).

In a word, he is "incomplete".

Starting abilities: All electricity names will start with “Exo.”

---Exo Shock – Description: lets loose a bolt of electricity out in a single line. If it connects, depending on voltage, can inflict a simple stun for several moments to severe cardiac arrest. (The science behind this can be explained if required. It involves disrupting the heart rhythm.)

First usage: Triggered on accident, he accidentally jolted too much electricity. Future uses of this attack plan to be used for stunning. Lethal force being a last resort.

---Exo Flash - Description: Lets loose a blinding flash of light, similar to a Flash bang. Non-lethal force only.

-What can be improved on/drafted (personally)-

The other main character needs introduction. (this alone can span 7 pages of explaining)
said character's weapon: 9mm “Chakra” pistol (under re-development)

Sentences can be shorter, less description might be required. (or more in some areas.)

Background description needs more work. Locations can be shuffled along.

Char description needs ironing out for chapter one. [this part is what I'm not good at]

Memory loss needs some explaining [due to the blunt force from the car accident from Prologue]

Secondary Antagonist group (codenamed: Cypher) needs background planned.

Primary Antagonist needs finalizing. Excess Dialogue from v1 of Zener will be used.
Add a Comment:
This, so far, is among the best of what I've read from fellow writers like you and I. I see a really developed vision and a plot line expanding just in this alone. This alone, is more than 90% of new writers exhibit. You seem to have successfully utilized an approach that I, personally, have found to be highly effective in hooking readers by generating questions that they want to stick around to see answered... yet again, something else not many accomplish early on like this.

There are a few things, though, that could use some work before you jump too far into this rewrite (trust me, with as many revisions as I have done, I know). Labeling the POV here is probably not necessary. This is an introduction, and in a sense, I think the reader already sort of gets the point that they are being introduced to an unknown. Also, I would relegate the author's notes to the comments, personally... but that's more of a guideline/personal preference

The biggest issue here, by far, is that you have a LOT of past/present tense disagreements in the narration of the main character... If you're serious about this, those will need to be fixed, as they are pretty substantial in terms of grammar issues. Striving to be a perfectionist with the tools you create with is essential in creating your best work. I am willing to help you "iron-out" these relatively sparse grammar errors, if you are willing. Otherwise, so far most of the issues I generally see present in most peoples' work are absent--you are clearly ahead of the game.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

Critique by DarkStarr172 Jan 19, 2012, 3:14:59 PM
As I've said before, your technique of writing is completely original and very entertaining. Your ability to display a mental picture of exactly what is happening is fantastic. I'll never mark down originality for using Pokémon, since it's a form of fan-fic. Plus, I really like Charmanders and the way that you design them without having so many differing characteristics from an original Charmander, that it doesn't even seem like one anymore. Good work on that area especially! I get a strong impact of a chill down my back from the car crash and the awakening of Nick. I feel pity for the confused Char, and I would feel the same if I were him. Hope you like my critique. I meant to write an actual real critique. :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

100-percent-empoleon Featured By Owner May 4, 2013
This is so cool, I wish I could write like you
SDragon01 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
wow, what a opening so far! only thing i would say is that you could explained better about how he looked when he was checking his change of form, but then you might plan that for later.
WarriorNick Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, I have a big scene planned where he finds out what he appears like in Chapter 1. This is just meant to get readers excited.

Thanks for the feedback.
SDragon01 Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
you're welcome ^^
Add a Comment:

:iconwarriornick: More from WarriorNick

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
October 14, 2011
File Size
6.1 KB


4 (who?)